


possible side effects

by waveydnp



Series: 2020 charity fics [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Body Image, Canon Compliant, Depression Recovery, M/M, Weight Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24465847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: dan’s antidepressants made him gain weight. he’s learning to accept it
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: 2020 charity fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1766818
Comments: 20
Kudos: 172





	possible side effects

Dan stands in front of a fogged up mirror, dripping water onto the bathroom floor because of course Phil’s used all the bloody towels and not bothered to replace them. There’s probably a nice mountain of damp ones in the corner of Phil’s bedroom, left to rot there where he’d dropped them without a second thought.

Phil’s a slob. And inconsiderate. And Dan wants to shout at him for it, but he can’t, because he isn’t here. He’s off being a good son and visiting his family. Good son, bad flatmate. Bad boyfriend, leaving Dan all alone to drip naked on the bathroom floor after his shower.

Dan stares at the hazy reflection of himself, afraid to reach out and wipe away the condensation. It’s not nighttime, so the irrational fear of finding a face in the glass that isn’t his hasn’t settled into the realm of possibility for the overactive fear center of his brain, not yet. Right now he’s just a bit scared of his own face.

And the rest of him. He can see himself when he looks down, of course, but there’s something about seeing what he looks like from an outside perspective that makes his insides twist up.

He doesn’t look like he used to.

He pushes his palm to the sweaty glass and swipes his hand across the fog. He’s nothing if not deeply masochistic.

And there he is, hair slicked back, skin pink from the heat of a long indulgent shower and a vigorous scrub with an equally indulgent (and overpriced) exfoliating face wash.

It’s the same old face as always, he tries to tell himself. Just with a little extra under the chin.

He’s careful with his steps on the tile floor as he leaves the bathroom. If he slips and concusses himself, there’ll be no one to save him.

-

There are no towels in the linen closet. Dan plots Phil’s murder as he walks to Phil’s bedroom to fetch one of his crumpled up floor-dwellers.

-

Phil’s got a full length mirror in his room. They both do, but Dan’s in Phil’s room now. The room they call Phil’s room. They both sleep in it, but it’s decorated in a distinctively Lester fashion, and to the world at large, it’s Phil’s room.

He scoops up a towel from the damp linen graveyard, but not before he catches sight of his nude body in that godforsaken mirror. It shouldn’t still be a surprise, but it is, the flesh on his hips that wasn’t there six months ago, the softness of his thighs. He’s had time to accept that they’re part of him now, but it still gives him pause when he’s confronted with it so viscerally.

Normally he’d go to the wardrobe and grab out a pair of trackies to cover himself up quickly and move on. If he doesn’t dwell, he doesn’t spiral.

Today, he turns towards his reflection properly and looks.

His nakedness is so stark in the dull light of a cloudy London afternoon. No imperfection is spared, and he sees every single one of them as if they were circled in red pen.

But there’s something else that’s different than it was six months ago, and that’s what this was all about.

It’s his brain. His brain is different: the composition of the hormones it secretes, and the way it interprets the information his eyes are supplying it with. It’s a strange thing, really. The extra weight wouldn’t be there if he hadn’t started taking the drugs, but if he hadn’t started taking the drugs, he would never be strong enough to stand in front of a mirror with no clothes on without tearing his self esteem to shreds.

He doesn’t love what he sees now. He’s not sure he’ll ever get to that point. But he doesn’t hate it.

He wraps the towel around his waist. It’s a little less jarring not to have his dick out, at least. But he keeps looking. He tries to separate himself from the body in front of him. If it were anyone else, would he be so critical?

Probably not. But that kind of emotional intelligence is still something that escapes him. He still feels uncomfortable with the extra weight, still feels distressed that jeans that used to fit him sit gathering dust in his closet. He still feels self conscious when he takes his clothes off for Phil, when he climbs on top of Phil’s body knowing he sits there a little heavier now.

Something catches his eye in the mirror then, a mark on his chest, just above his nipple. His hand drifts up, two fingers pressing into the smattering of broken blood vessels just under the skin. He smiles at the memory of how it got there, how Phil had clung a little extra hard the night before he headed off to the northland. The hickey will be long gone by the time he gets back, but right now it’s just what Dan needs.

A reminder. That’s all it is, a little extra push towards accepting the truth, which is that things are okay. Things can change a little and nothing breaks. He’s still him and Phil is still Phil. Phil still loves him. Phil still wants to watch Dan take his clothes off and suck bruises into his skin.

Dan’s got reasons of his own. He’s got reminders that are just for him, that have nothing to do with sexuality or attractiveness. Reasons to love the shape he’s in now versus where he was before.

Now he can get out of bed more often than he can’t. He can actively participate in his life without feeling like he’s being held hostage by it. It’s a kind of hopefulness he’s never felt before, and it’s worth a hell of a lot more than a number on a scale.

Hopefully someday he’ll be able to look in the mirror without the need for this kind of internal pep talk. He’d like for his affirmations to move away from superficiality, but this is where he is today. The fact that he can think of the future with anything but dread makes him sure he’ll get there eventually. Until then, he’ll take the reminders.


End file.
